"small" -- illustration friday topic -- 11/25/05

"small" -- illustration friday topic -- 11/25/05 -- #348 on www.illustrationfriday.com (#149 on the archive's list)

this week's topic of "small" on illustration friday instantly brought to mind the size and strength of a developing fetus. i probably thought of this because this is just about the size of my next grandchild, who is due to arrive in may, 2006. as far as size goes, this fetus also displays an amazing amount of strength as it grows/develops/prepares for birth.

this picture was done w/ prang colored pencils on white sketch pad paper and based on a photo taken of a 13-week old fetus using infrared photography (which makes the fetus look dark w/ glowing edges floating in an irridecent gel capsule.

"free" -- illustration friday topic -- 11.18.05

"free" -- illustration friday topic -- 11.18.05 -- #414 on IF (#62 on the archive's list)

the topic of "free" on illustration friday just instantly brought to mind that image of horses running loose (open range) in the moonlight. i used prang colored pencils on black cardstock that had a vertical grain to it. this texture made it hard to get much color to "stick" to the paper and also leave the silhouettes of the horses unsmeared. it was also hard to just shade when i'm used to completely coloring images. when completed, i sprayed the page w/ matte finish sealant to keep it from smearing any more. i'm planning to try this drawing again on drawing paper and w/o a black background to see how different the picture is or if the process is easier.

"strength" -- IF topic for 11.11.05

"strength" -- illustration friday -- 11.11.05 -- #399 on illustration friday (#68 in the archives)

this is a colored pencil drawing of joey, jerry's grandson, who was born may 15, 2005. i chose this for IF b/c i think that the birthing process shows an amazing amount of strength and stamina on the part of the mother as well as the baby. most often, we don't think of the traumatic experience for the baby, being taken from the nice, warm, comforting home and forced through a too-small tube to fall into the middle of the bright, loud confusion of a delivery room. to survive that and to thrive in the new setting and learn/grow/change as newborns do -- that's strength.

i've not ever done any type drawing like this or had any training, so it was a totally new experience. the drawing was done from a photo that was taken just minutes after joey's birth. the shading in some places was easier than others, but overall, i was happy w/ a first attempt at a project like this! feel free to comment or offer advice, though. i'd like to get better, and then i have a few other children in mind that i might need to make a picture of/for.

the drawing was done on cardstock that had a vertical grain to it. that's part of the reason for the shading being more difficult -- i couldn't get the color to "stick" to the paper b/c of the shiny finish. i used prang colored pencils and then had to spray the finished page w/ matte finish. even after that, the page was still shiny in the photos (because of the flash) but is not that shiny in reality.

position in life . . .

this is just the way it has been lately -- i'm either on the top or the bottom w/ no in between or warning that my position is changing! i've just learned to roll my eyes, clinch my teeth, and/or cover my eyes as soon as i realize it's happening.

i don't really view this as a negative phase in life or a stagnant phase in life. i am always moving forward. i often compare my life to an avalanche. i'm either riding on the top of being drug along the bottom -- either way, though, i'm still moving forward all the time.

every time i have an experience like this, though, i wonder about those people who just seem to live dull lives. they never do anything and nothing ever happens to them -- good or bad. they just seem to exist. those people who have no drive to get anywhere in life, who are satisfied w/ being right where they are, those people who work "jobs" instead of having careers. i'm not demeaning those people -- i just don't understand. i'm always wanting to get better, do better, be better, learn more, do more, and on and on. i can't imagine what it would be like to work a job and then walk out at night and not think about work again, not care what happens w/ work and those people associated w/ it, not think/prepare/study for work. just to be content with what i/we had and where i/we were in life. just a totally different mindset and experience that i'm having in life. i don't mean it to sound as if i'm not content w/ life, but i just have so many goals/dreams in life that i want to achieve and i have such an internal personal drive to achieve these. i might not make it, but i'll die trying!

the page is painted w/ acrylic paint and sprayed w/ matte finish. writing in sharpie marker and statue is a picture from a magazine.

doubt and trust

well, for those of you who had read my previous posts on here about the relationship issues that jerry and i have gone through in the last few months, this page was just written to help me see where i was on this issue. i'm not a real trusting person anyway, but when i trust someone and i feel like they break my trust -- i'm not real interested in trusting them again. i usually follow the old adage of "hurt me once, shame on you. hurt me twice, shame on me." that means that i don't usually put myself in the same position again -- at least not without letting people know what's going to happen if i'm hurt again.

well, back in july, jerry asked me to move our wedding date from next summer to as immediate as we could plan it. shortly after that, his world just exploded with stress and issues that he didn't know how to deal with. although the issues were not me, these issues were maybe influenced by my presence or my existence. he thought at that time, if he just gave up his relationship with me, he could restore/resolve his relationship with his sons (the 2 that were having a hard time w/ the fact that mom and dad were divorced and that dad had found someone new in his life and was moving on w/ life). jerry didn't want to break up and he didn't want to lose our relationship -- he just didn't know what to do. so he thought if that he just treated me bad enough and convinced himself that things were really all my fault, then i would break up with him and relieve him of the responsibility of the failure of our relationship. of course, he didn't realize at the time that he was doing/feeling all these things.

the problem, though, was that i was not cooperating w/ his plan. i could see what he was doing and why he was doing these things. i wasn't about to take the blame for the things that i didn't do and was in no way responsible for. now that we have worked things out (or are working them out), i often wonder about whether these issues of doubt and trust will be worked out for me in the very near future. i'm just not real secure in offering myself and all that i am into someone else's care again. after the whole "let's get married -- oh wait a minute, let's not right now -- let get married as soon as possible -- well, as soon as i get this mess in my family calmed down -- let's just elope -- wait a minute, i'm not sure i'm ready for this relationship right now. let's back off to the dating phase for a while" thing, that was a real emotional rollercoaster. at the time we agreed after to work things out and put marriage on the back burner for the time and wait until after the holidays to decide when to get married. well, the holidays are approaching -- so what does that mean?

i was excited before at the prospect of getting married (and i still am), but i'm not willing to ride the emotional rollercoaster again. i don't want to put a lot of hope/effort/work into planning something, only to have it fall through again.

so when he said, "well, it won't be long until you can start planning the wedding."

i just said, "i think i'll let you do the planning this time."

he said, "you mean you don't care what we do or where we go?"

i said, "oh yeah. you'll do just fine. and i'm sure you'll ask me if you are unsure or want my opinion on anything."

after a few moments of silence, he said, "ok, i can do that."

he knows that he has some proving to do, and i think that he's going to prove to me that he means business. he'll do it and do it up just right.

i don't mean to be harsh or cold-hearted about it, but offering someone something and then yanking it away repeatedly makes it hard for a person to want to reach for it again. or as least it makes it hard for ME to want to reach for it again. i had older brothers and older boy cousins when i was little -- i learned that game real quick. it's no fun for them if i don't play. just act like i didn't want it anyway, and then they won't tease me w/ it. so now in life i'm faced w/ the same situation. i probably won't jump at the prize this time. in fact, he might have to just throw it at me to get me to take it this time!!!

he has some new competition at this time, though. that's not really a bad thing, i don't think. more of a motivator, maybe. he knows that i've always wanted a street bike, and i've found just the one for me. the "new" love of my life -- rune. he's classy, he's stylish, he's hot. he might just be "the one" for me!

pretty amazingly smooth looking, huh? picture taken from http://www.valkyrieriders.com/2004_valkyrie_rune.htm if you want to check it out for more info. i do see a couple problems with this plan, though. first off -- it costs 28k and i don't happen to have that lying around in spare change right now and couldn't make the payments on it. second -- it weighs 750# and i'm not sure i could handle a bike that big. if i could, i'd have to be in better shape than i am now. what a motivator for a diet and some true workout exercising! so, this probably won't be the bike for me, but right now it's the bike of my dreams!!!

who i am

i was just trying out some new sharpie markers, so had to do something w/ the silver one specifically, since those are the most uncommon ones to play with. i had painted the page flat black and then painted a pearlescent clear over that. then i stamped the stars/sun/moon w/ pigmented ink and embossed them w/ silver. i had someone do a reading of my birth chart last year, so the style of this page and the information contained was somewhat inspired by that. especially the bulleted items on the left that so aptly described me from the reading. it was almost as if that person knew me and made of list of my attributes. almost spooky to read, but very interesting to compare to the "real me".

Night -- Illustration Friday

night -- illustration friday -- 11/4/05 topic.
this was my first attempt at illustration friday and it was so much fun. This silhouette is the first thing that came to mind when i was thinking of "night" as a topic. i grew up on a farm in the midwest and sights like this were common -- just the beauty of a silhouette in the colorful sunset. even though i've watched them or been aware of them all of my life, they are still some breathtaking moments. just this week as i left school one evening, i snapped a digital picture of the beautiful sunset w/ purples and pinks in the clouds.

this drawing is done in a composition book. the pages were already painted an amber color w/ cheap acrylic paint. the lower part (the shadow) is colored w/ permanent black marker. the top part is shaded with prang colored pencils ranging from black to brown to brick red to dark red to dark orange to light orange to golden yellow to light yellow. all colored pencil shading/coloring was done using the side of the lead instead of the tip.

IF "night" inspiration

here are the digital pix that i took as i left work the other night that inspired my drawing of a sunset to represent "night". although i did not use these pictures as a pattern, they were what planted the idea. the change of time from daylight savings time to regular time makes the darkness appear here much earlier than i'm used to. even though i have the opportunity to see the sunrise and the sunset on most days (usually driving to and from work), i still find these moments to be very special.