doubt and trust

well, for those of you who had read my previous posts on here about the relationship issues that jerry and i have gone through in the last few months, this page was just written to help me see where i was on this issue. i'm not a real trusting person anyway, but when i trust someone and i feel like they break my trust -- i'm not real interested in trusting them again. i usually follow the old adage of "hurt me once, shame on you. hurt me twice, shame on me." that means that i don't usually put myself in the same position again -- at least not without letting people know what's going to happen if i'm hurt again.

well, back in july, jerry asked me to move our wedding date from next summer to as immediate as we could plan it. shortly after that, his world just exploded with stress and issues that he didn't know how to deal with. although the issues were not me, these issues were maybe influenced by my presence or my existence. he thought at that time, if he just gave up his relationship with me, he could restore/resolve his relationship with his sons (the 2 that were having a hard time w/ the fact that mom and dad were divorced and that dad had found someone new in his life and was moving on w/ life). jerry didn't want to break up and he didn't want to lose our relationship -- he just didn't know what to do. so he thought if that he just treated me bad enough and convinced himself that things were really all my fault, then i would break up with him and relieve him of the responsibility of the failure of our relationship. of course, he didn't realize at the time that he was doing/feeling all these things.

the problem, though, was that i was not cooperating w/ his plan. i could see what he was doing and why he was doing these things. i wasn't about to take the blame for the things that i didn't do and was in no way responsible for. now that we have worked things out (or are working them out), i often wonder about whether these issues of doubt and trust will be worked out for me in the very near future. i'm just not real secure in offering myself and all that i am into someone else's care again. after the whole "let's get married -- oh wait a minute, let's not right now -- let get married as soon as possible -- well, as soon as i get this mess in my family calmed down -- let's just elope -- wait a minute, i'm not sure i'm ready for this relationship right now. let's back off to the dating phase for a while" thing, that was a real emotional rollercoaster. at the time we agreed after to work things out and put marriage on the back burner for the time and wait until after the holidays to decide when to get married. well, the holidays are approaching -- so what does that mean?

i was excited before at the prospect of getting married (and i still am), but i'm not willing to ride the emotional rollercoaster again. i don't want to put a lot of hope/effort/work into planning something, only to have it fall through again.

so when he said, "well, it won't be long until you can start planning the wedding."

i just said, "i think i'll let you do the planning this time."

he said, "you mean you don't care what we do or where we go?"

i said, "oh yeah. you'll do just fine. and i'm sure you'll ask me if you are unsure or want my opinion on anything."

after a few moments of silence, he said, "ok, i can do that."

he knows that he has some proving to do, and i think that he's going to prove to me that he means business. he'll do it and do it up just right.

i don't mean to be harsh or cold-hearted about it, but offering someone something and then yanking it away repeatedly makes it hard for a person to want to reach for it again. or as least it makes it hard for ME to want to reach for it again. i had older brothers and older boy cousins when i was little -- i learned that game real quick. it's no fun for them if i don't play. just act like i didn't want it anyway, and then they won't tease me w/ it. so now in life i'm faced w/ the same situation. i probably won't jump at the prize this time. in fact, he might have to just throw it at me to get me to take it this time!!!

he has some new competition at this time, though. that's not really a bad thing, i don't think. more of a motivator, maybe. he knows that i've always wanted a street bike, and i've found just the one for me. the "new" love of my life -- rune. he's classy, he's stylish, he's hot. he might just be "the one" for me!

pretty amazingly smooth looking, huh? picture taken from http://www.valkyrieriders.com/2004_valkyrie_rune.htm if you want to check it out for more info. i do see a couple problems with this plan, though. first off -- it costs 28k and i don't happen to have that lying around in spare change right now and couldn't make the payments on it. second -- it weighs 750# and i'm not sure i could handle a bike that big. if i could, i'd have to be in better shape than i am now. what a motivator for a diet and some true workout exercising! so, this probably won't be the bike for me, but right now it's the bike of my dreams!!!